If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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