we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
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