there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
