The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
