I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
