If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
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Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
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I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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