help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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