we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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