You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Alive.
So much puke
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Randomize
