Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
