if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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