Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
