I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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