and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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