I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
