I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I'm both gender and math confused
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
