Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize
