Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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