Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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