fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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