Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
