I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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