I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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