I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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