why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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