was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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