im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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