my room smells like sperm. sweet.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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