those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
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