I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
did you just send me my own nude
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