just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
