ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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