just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
