I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
He shit in the fireplace
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
