I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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