He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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