i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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