I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
