I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
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