chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
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Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
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Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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