don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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