Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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