it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
