my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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