you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
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Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
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Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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