Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
