After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
whose parrot is this?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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