Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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