I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
