shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
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