just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Randomize
