why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Randomize
