You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
