I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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