If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
In other news, I just burned my penis
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
